Everyone wants a butterflies-in-your-stomach still-in-love-50-years-later kind of love. But, based on the research of failed relationships and marriages, not many are willing to put in the work to accomplish this kind of love. Relationships are hard work. Even the most successful couples admit that keeping their love alive isn’t easy. However, if you’re willing to put in the effort, you can build a long-lasting relationship.

1.- Practice active listening. This means preparing to listen to hear the message of your partner and not to prepare your defense. Find a time and place where you can be without distractions and focus only on what your partner is saying. Try to set aside your negative perceptions about his or her actions or motives so you can focus on the conversation in real time.

2.- Use I statements. Communication is not about blame, it is about responsibility. I statements start with how you are feeling about the behavior or action of your partner. It means you take ownership of your feelings and also suggest a way to improve the behavior. The focus is not to tell your partner the action is bad, just to share your own experience of it.

3.- Use a soft, warm tone when speaking. Your relationship should be based on mutual respect and love, not fear. A soft voice reflects the love, compassion and understanding that is missing from yelling. Meet your partner’s eyes and speak from a place of love and understanding. Disagreements don’t require anger and yelling to resolve.

4.- Be respectful to your partner ALWAYS. Save harsh words, even during arguments. You can’t take back what’s been said. When you say something hurtful to your partner you send the message that a disagreement is equivalent to a war. You are on the same side. Remember that.

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