What if love could be found with a tap?

Definitely Not Lovefinderrz is a totally normal, definitely stable love-matching app powered by questionable algorithms, fake science, and just enough overconfidence to be dangerous.

Built for those brave enough to scan their emotional frequency, facial geometry, and unknown inner data, this app takes you on a bizarrely personal journey to your "ideal match." No swiping. No chatbots. Just trust the process.

And please, don’t worry about the background processes. Or the humming. Or the fact that no one seems to know who built it. That’s all part of the experience.

FEATURES

Scan yourself with our custom-built "Love Analysis System"

Answer a few absurdly deep, but oddly simple, questions about yourself

Watch as the system runs through totally real phases like "emotional depth indexing" and "compatibility vector calculation"

Experience a full-screen match reveal sequence that is definitely not trying to tell you something deeper

No data collection, no servers, no cloud AI — it’s just you and the interface

Optional glitch moments, dramatic transitions, and weirdly accurate affirmations

Fully offline, so even the AI has nowhere to run

WHAT IT’S NOT

A social network

A dating simulator

A Rick and Morty product (please don’t sue us)

A functioning app according to traditional standards

Any kind of actual scientific tool

Safe for fragile egos

WHAT IT IS

A parody of dating apps

A self-love machine in disguise

An ego boost that looks suspiciously like satire

A therapy session hosted by a very unserious interface

An app you install as a joke and delete a week later after realizing it knew too much

Whether you're alone, curious, emotionally available, emotionally unavailable, or just procrastinating something important, Definitely Not Lovefinderrz will tell you exactly what you didn’t realize you needed to hear.

We didn’t design this app to be helpful. We designed it to be uncomfortably accurate and fun in a weird, self-reflective kind of way.

So go ahead. Tap the button. Let the scanner do its thing.

You’ll see.

WARNING
Using this app may cause unexpected self-confidence, mild existential reflection, and brief romantic delusions. Also, there’s no uninstalling your own emotional insight.

We accept no responsibility for what happens after you meet your match.

Especially if it’s you.